Tag Archive | love

Grief, Loss, Love, and Anger

May27

It should go without saying that with great love comes great loss. As fiercely one can love another, then loss happens, that is how acute this loss will be. I made this post public in the hope that it will be shared and thus, help others. I’m writing this post with sincere honesty. If my words help to validate another person’s loss, then my pain in writing this verbiage was worth it.

If a person loses a child, a parent, a sibling, and so on, the level of your love will equal the pain of your loss. The King of Loss is Child Loss.

I’ve lost many loved ones, many felt more acutely and for longer than others. I’ve lost many, but my first horrible and acute loss was the death of my baby brother after heart surgery to repair the heart issues that came with Down Syndrome. An innocent one, not quite age three years. A baby I changed diapers, gave small bits of nutrition and heart medicine (digitalis), and that meant careful measuring of dose, or he could die, and I was the one honored with baking his last earthly birthday cake. It took a lot of time to deal with this loss.

Sadly, I gave birth to my oldest son, knowing he was already gone to heaven, as he’d strangled on his umbilical cord inside me, yet still had to deliver him. It did not go well at all. At that point in time, Shane dying ripped me apart. It was too much. Dealing mechanisms failed. I chose a 30 day stay in a psych unit coming to grips with his death. I still feel his loss to this day, but not acutely, not all consuming. With the great love I had for him, the loss was too much. I wasn’t weak. My little brother had died one year prior, my stepdad only a few months earlier.

The following year, I gave birth to my rainbow baby, Gene, and I was scared as he was born blue, after 30 plus hours of intense labor. It came down to one last push from me and the doctor using suction cups to bring him into the world. I thank the Lord every day for this blessing. That was December 1983. Something bright and good came into my world.

Come April 1985, my third son was born. I was in bliss. We were a family of four. I won’t delve into the relationship I had at the time with my boy’s father. Sammy was a happy and well-fed baby, just like his brother, Gene. He started getting sick a lot in September 1989. Multiple sinus infections, ear infections, and he even picked up mononucleosis! His mono spot was positive, and the doctors were amazed. Source: Most likely grocery shopping cart. Reason: Lowered immune system due to treating his multiple infections.

He remained sick and had head x-rays and CT scans, sadly misread by a radiologist in Salina. His pediatrician never looked at the scans. The Ellsworth doctors never looked at the scans. During this time, Sam had a “bad head hurt” that he didn’t tell me about until after diagnosis.

Mono comes from the Epstein Barr Virus. If a person gets this virus, they can get nasopharyngeal cancer. That was the cause of my little boy developing his nasopharyngeal cancer. When finally diagnosed, it had already spread to his brain and both lungs. He endured a living h*** for eight months at KU MED, after diagnosis.

His manner of death was traumatizing and with horrendous pain at only age five years. My loss was so palpable, I was not a pleasant person. He died in October 1990.

I was extremely angry at God. Why did my son suffer? I still attended church; I was picky on how things would be for my middle son when he was young. I was ANGRY at God. With GREAT love comes GREAT loss. Acute loss that is still felt at times, and right now as I write this piece. Many years, I’d go up to confession and discuss my anger at God. Bishop Fitzsimmons helped me the most. I no longer have anger at God, and I haven’t had anger at Him for a very long time. Not since 1993.

Why did I write all the above? There are people in the Ellsworth community and county, and around the world who are going through huge losses. It’s an unquantifiable loss for each person. It’s normal to go back and forth after a huge loss. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became my friend, and she helped me the most with phone calls and emails after Sammy died. Our connection was special.

People are hurting with grief. Sometimes, when we are hurt, our hurt and anger gets misplaced upon another person. I see that clearly happening here, thus, it happens around the world. My post is to help those who are hurt. Your pain is validated. Only you know your pain. Your pain is real. Anyone can talk with me. I validate what you feel. I get it. Email me, text me, drop a note in messenger, etcetera. I will help you anyway I can.

I’m NOT a doctor and doctors are the people to see if your situational depression doesn’t get better. I’m a sounding board and I will cry with you. I pray my message is clear.

Lord,

Lift the hearts of the brokenhearted in Your Glorious Name.

Amen.

The Poetry Mouse

Jan16

Book Link

From Amazon:

Evie believes there is more to life than taking care of her house and baking for her friends. She’s not like the other mice. She has a different path; her purpose is to write poetry.

Being a mouse, she longs for the simplicity of nature. So, every day she sneaks past the woods and into the meadow where she writes her inspired words. She might even find encouragement from a friend to submit her poems.

This is Evie’s story of finding her authentic self, becoming brave enough to do what she loves, and ultimately sharing her gift with the world as The Poetry Mouse.

My Review:

This was a lovely story to read. Evie, a mouse, works at her sewing and such to make a living in her pink house at the end of a lane. She yearns to write poetry and escapes for walks in the countryside. Her pen never stops, and everything she sees, she writes a poem. Mr Fox helps Evie to understand that she is a very good poet, giving Evie the boost she needed to take her poetry down to the post to send to a publisher. This book inspires.

Memories from another Lifetime LOVE

Jan5

Book Link

From Amazon:

Can poetry be memories from a previous life?

Love is the second book in the series Memories from another Lifetime.

Memories from another Lifetime is a collection of very personal and hauntingly beautiful poems about love, desire, heartbreak, betrayal, hurt and denial. They go to the core of raw and visceral emotions, perhaps from another lifetime. A powerful and moving experience.

My Review:

I’ve read quite a bit of poetry lately, but this book is the cream of poetry due to the young age of the writer, age 13, and the verbiage of the written words found within. At 13, writing love poetry with the brain and experience of one who is older compelled me to think how this could be so. I think it was easier to lay bare emotions and feelings due to early teenage hormones but also reading her own mother’s poetry over the years. Poetry begets poetry. Like mother, like daughter. The poetry within is very deep, sensual, and full of all kinds of emotions

Love on a Winter’s Night

Dec15

Book Link

From Amazon:

Step into a world where winter’s gentle touch paints landscapes in shades of ivory and silver, where the hush of snowflakes conceals whispered secrets blowing through the trees. “Love on a Winter’s Night” is a spellbinding journey that invites you to nestle deep within the warmth of frosty evenings. In this exquisite collection of winter-themed love poetry, you’ll discover the magic of true love, woven into each verse like a tapestry of emotions.

As you turn the pages, you’ll be transported to a realm where every stanza is a hearth, crackling with the fires of passion, just like sipping cocoa by the fireside. The verses will kindle the flames of your soul, offering solace amidst the enchanting snowy world that surrounds us.

Jill Yoder, an accomplished editor, remarked, “As I read this book, I could envision nearly every scene. I could feel every bit of excitement, yearning, and love throughout each page.”

“Love on a Winter’s Night” is not just a book of poetry; it’s a testament to the enduring power of love amidst the chill of winter. Let its pages envelop you in its magical embrace, where love shines as brightly as a star on a frosty night.

My Review:

Winter’s love is what I felt as I read this book. No matter how cold, rainy, or snowy the weather, true love warms the heart and spirit of two in love. Cuddles, sharing food, an Eskimo kiss, spooning, or laughing in the rain, true love warms the heart, body, and soul. Perfect poetry on love.

Blossoms of Hope

Dec6

Book Link

From Amazon:

A poetry collection of harmony and hope.

A poetry collection through a woman’s eyes, subtle reminders of your strength and of your importance in this world. We are all connected to this earth~as the world turns, time churns, the sun rises, rivers swell, tears well, the wind blows, happiness flows and the sun sets on the horizon. There is hope for me, for you and for us.

My Review:

Wow. What a powerful book Jami Kellett has written. She has bared her soul with the world. Freely given with no expectations whatsoever. Darkness happens, but light can be found. From the scent of a flower, the glow of moonlight, or the warmth of the sun, peacefulness is found in nature and in other humans created by God above. Everyone should have a copy of this book. The evocative words reach in deeply to one’s soul.